Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
