Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
