I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
