we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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