If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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