He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
