Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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