can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
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