I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
