am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
