I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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