did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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