I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
