When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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