We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
