we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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