Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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