She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
