My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
