My sheets look like a crime scene.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
