I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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