i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
