I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
