she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
