is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
