Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
