I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
