I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
