rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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