i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
This is classic penis vs brain.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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