I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
