This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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