If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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