even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
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