Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
