the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
