Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
