someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
