I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
