im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
