she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
