My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
