Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
