id be glad to
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
