I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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