After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
