Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
