it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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