I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
bring money and cleavage
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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