Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
everyone is single if you try hard enough
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
