I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
