i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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