i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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